In Manila At The Moment~

First time coming back after three years

Listening to: Boomerang (Live) by Yebba

I woke up to this view everyday for a decade before the Pandemic struck. How strange that I’m waking up to this scenery again.

I found myself hesitating to breathe from my hometown airport, to when a flight crew tore my ticket, as I was walking on the airport tarmac, in the plane, in the taxi, all the way to our room in Manila. While in the taxi, I fixed my eyes on the passenger seat, refusing to witness the happenings outside, and I entered our building bowed down. It was as though two big hands were covering my eyes, like one does when walking another person to the surprise waiting at the next room. However, I did not feel the sense of excitement one should feel. I was in trepidation, a sort of blank anxiety enveloping my entire body.

Rather than witnessing our unit decaying with mold and dust, I found the room clean of mess and dirt. Father had been travelling to Manila since the airports re-opened. He hung his clothes on the stair rack (from his previous trip to Manila). The room that was my home for ten years. It was as though it cleaned itself and it no longer needed my help. I messaged my friend immediately. I told her to come meet me ASAP. “I don’t want to be here.”

@wwthfyhttps://wewilltellherforyou.substack.com/

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I remember my first time going on a cigarette break in Manila 13 years ago. I went down our building, walked to a corner and simply lit my cigarette with neither care nor worry of who might see me. I could never do this in my hometown where everyone seems to know everyone else. Now, here in Manila, familiarizing myself with its people, its scent and spaces, I have lost all sense of familiarity.

I spent the the night with M and M, lovers who have recently moved in together. We talked for hours in the manner with which we usually talked, with intellect, with careful phrasing and thoughtful responses. My anxiety lessened. And it made me ready to face what I came here to do.

As a queer person, I’m used to never having my own space, or to have a space I nurtured so long ripped away from me. I suppose I needed a bit of a moment to re-adjust.

I came here to finally box all my possessions which I left for two years. I’m also visiting my former school to finally settle my affairs.

It’s now Day 3.

I’m babbling. This is my update for now. Thank you for reading :)