Log 14
Just journaling my way through all this. It's a painful pandemic time for me not just for the obvious millions of deaths but personally, internally, as well. Journaling my queerness helps a lot.
Listening to: Immortality by Celine Dion
Don’t you feel as though the world has moved on from the COVID Pandemic? I watch it here at the corner of Earth. I know in the U.S., people scold people who wear masks now, saying that COVID is over or this is not some poor country where the virus is still raging. Here, in our poor country, the sentiment is almost the same. The single difference, I think, is that we are still ordered to wear masks.
I still feel in shock. I still feel as though it’s early 2020, when we only just started fearing the coronavirus. Everyday, I wake up in a city I do not like, doing things I do not like, being forced to talk with people I do not like. My heart never really left Manila. As stressful as that city is, I love being there. I love it there. I can’t move on.
Last year, I watched a YouTube Video entitled Miyamoto Musashi | A Life of Ultimate Focus, a video essay I still watch to this day so I may be reminded. Lesson 8 says Never let yourself be saddened by a separation. Lesson 12 says Be indifferent to where you live. No offense to Mr. Musashi. Even if he had traveled a lot, and experienced war and plague but I don’t believe he’s had to live through something this large a scale, with information always being made aware at each minute, plus all the politics of all peoples, all the time.
Most of the time, I feel as though my skull is going to crack open with all the chatter in it. My chest can get heavy from overthinking, from guilt, from making scenarios and catastrophizing. I have felt this for decades, not just with the states of the world, but owing to the fact that I’ve hidden my sexuality and gender for so long and now am living with people who unconsciously perform acts of homophobia.
I read a chapter from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire all those years ago called “The Pensieve.”
I remember being ultimately jealous of Dumbledore for having this device. How great it would be if I just extracted all the bad memories onto a bowl. I’d probably even save money to buy a dozen more and leave the bad memories there. I also remember realizing back then that I do have a pensieve. I’ve had it all along.
Queer Journaling
From my late teens until my early 20s, keeping a diary/journal had been taxing because it was a mere recording of events. I would only transcribe what had happened without personal reflection (actually defeating the very purpose of writing a diary). I was still in fear of writing anything queer/gay, even in this insular place where no one reads. It might have been forever evidenced of what I had fiercely and fearfully hid.
But I have grown bolder over the years (and perhaps more desperate as I fear I’m losing the energy of life) . First were texts: I began writing the confession of my gayness. Then came lists of queer books, quotes, and writers that I needed to read (in discretion). And of course, my queer and sexual explorations in Manila.
At the height of the pandemic last year, I began discreetly printing photos, queer photos— different things, different days— and began pasting them on my journals. I’d reread them on Sundays. It helps me get by. At least there’s a process of expulsion.
By far, journaling (and my little blog :) ) are literally the only things that’re keeping my sanity intact.
P.S.
Today I got a subscription from a total unknown! Neither a friend nor acquaintance. It’s a nice feeling. So thank you J.H.!
Thank you for reading.