It’s been a couple of days now and I have not left the bed. I would sleep and wake up, stare at the ceiling, stare at the walls, stare at the fan moving, and close my eyes and sleep again. My teeth have formed that creamy filmy coat after not being brushed for a day. My hair, oily. And a few arm movements would be enough for the smell smell to waft the to my nose. I should do something, clean my body for sure and starters. Yet I have this gut feeling that if I do anything beyond sleeping or leaving my bed, something in my mind would be destroyed. It took me all my effort to reach the laptop and type what I’m about to type.
I have been studying law for close to two semesters now. I have reached a breaking point. I stopped entering school since yesterday. I don’t plan to leave my bed for the days to come. Even when I should concentrate everything on resting, the looming thought of failure comes to mind. This is the second school in which I have not finished. First, the Creative Writing one, due to the pandemic. And now this. I remembering a friend’s reaction when I informed them I would be entering law school. He said, “Ah yes, and you’ll not finish this one too? Like the one you didn’t finish in Manila?” Sir it was the Pandemic. I do not think you fully comprehend how much was lost during those two years. Such a toxic straight respond to say… But the thought never left my mind. I resolved to win in silence and humility.
It’s the third day now and my classmates are feeling my absence. I have received several messages of hope, several messages requesting appointments. However, I also received advice from a loving friend all the way from Japan. He was diagnosed with depression and his counsel was to cut off communications for now. I knew that from instinct.
One message said she would go to me if I permitted. Bless her soul. I cannot deal with that. If I met with friends and classmates, they would naturally get worried. And I, the wounded, would end up comforting them. And I cannot deal with that just yet.
I am too poor to have an appointment with a proper psychiatrist. But I have self-knowledge enough to know there is a heaviness in my chest whenever I think about school. Just this morning, all I did was open a message from a classmate. And a pressure the size of a small coin, spinning like a drill, pushed, starting from my forehead and vibrated through to my brain. I put my phone in a box, placed it in the closet and covered it in clothing.
I know that for me, nothing soothes the mind more than reading poetry and writing. So that’s what I will do for now.
This is as far as I can write for now.
I’m glad you wrote about this. Expressing your pain is good therapy. Hibernating is another. Allow yourself to float. “Not finishing” something that was killing you is a victory, not a defeat.