The Looming LSAT and Fighting Procrastination

Ya Allah give me strength :(

Say hello to my legendary ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign. I made this during my first law school stint last school year. I’m posting it again on my door a year later.

I promised myself that I would write about my second attempt at law school, that I’m going to record every meaningful event that passes. Naturally, the first post is going to be about the entrance exams. I just never thought I would be writing this so soon.

It has been over a year or so of healing from the trauma and depression of my first law school stint. I have come to accept now that depression is as common an occurrence as the common cold, or runny nose, or fever. It never really goes away. I have a trick to it now: I remind myself that I’m the master of my mind. The mental illness is a beast in my thoughts that should not be caged. Instead, I created a preserve for it where it could roam somewhat freely, distanced but contained within a terrain. I may see it or sense it, but it would be from a distance, and therefore I can prepare myself.

During Ramadan 2025, I decided to visit the new school. I went directly to the College of Law, whose administrative assistant promptly told me to head to the testing department first. “You still have no business with us, sir. Kindly go to the Testing Center first. Apply for the test, and once you pass, then you come to us.” The test center did say that there are still no official announcements yet; however, they would be posting it on the 8th of May that the test itself was going to be on the 12th of June. And that in the meantime, I should have my requirements ready.

But on the 6th of this month, they posted they would begin receiving requirements on the 8th, and the test itself would be on the 18th—10 days from now.

I closed my eyes and turned the black back of my eyelids into dark evergreen. I imagined the nature preserve in my mind: windy but still calm, dark clouds, dark barks of trees, forest grounds covered with dry brown leaves, dark canopies, and leafy outlines. I could hear the depression monster’s growling, sonorous and almost tangy sweet. I surveyed the gloomy surroundings. He was there, elevated on some mound, half-covered with vegetation. But it remained there; no sign of charging. Still at bay.

Now, please forgive me, dear reader, when I tell you that I have done close to nothing from the 6th until now. Because abrupt announcements like these make me depressed and lonely. The natural response for me is to wallow in the disappointment people generally give me. What I know from the law is that no word is as good unless it’s written in an official paper. I would have thought that information from an authority would be enough. Alas…sigh*

More and more I’m learning that procrastination does not equal laziness. It’s a response, a negative way of reacting to how one envisions what could have been. I would have done great had they done this. I would have aced this had they said that. If only they had just done this. If only they had just been true to their word. Corrupt thoughts mixed with corrupt events happening in the world, my straight-laced family. All of these were swirling in my mind. And I would have to simmer these all down before I can do actual work.

And thank God, thank God, thank God for the art of writing and journaling, and art itself. I don’t know where I’d be if I had nowhere to dump this.

I close my eyes again and go back into the dark forest. I remind myself I’m the master of my mind. The monster is still there, idle but there. I will myself to grow wings and fly, fly up high. Here on top I get the view of everything; I soak it in—imaginations and reality, the wind, clouds, and scenes.

I open my eyes. I’m in my bed and suffocating from the heat. I strip while walking into the bathroom. I submit myself to the ritualistic, cleansing powers of bathing and rinsing. The task is done; the heaving thoughts are soapy water going down the drain. It took four days, yet here we are.

And with that, I’ll begin reviewing for the LSAT now. Wish me luck, but quietly. Do Not Disturb!

Thank you for reading!

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