Small Town, Queer Life Chronicles

Just some queery updates

Listening to: Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks

October 12, 2024: 📍My Room. Weather: Raining. Not hurricane death level. Just normal but strong rain.

A man, caught in the rain while driving, parks at our store. He ordered a bottle of Sting as he waits for the rain to subside.

Two weeks since I got back from Manila. It both confounds and amazes me how travel easily exhausts me now. Before, I could arrive home from some island, remove all the dirty laundry and trash from my bag, pack the fresh clothes and hygiene things I'd prepared beforehand, and jump on the jeepney all the way to the next island destination. But at the gloriously still-young age of 36, it seems somehow that age has caught up with me. It has taken me a week to be my normal self.

Only 81 days now until January 1, 2025. I'm not the type of person to count down to the new year. This year something's different; some tether snapped. Some awareness has heightened. I have begun to get wary. 

The first thing I did since arriving was restore my store. My beloved store. My beloved, beautiful boys. Faithful, honest, and ever so hardworking. I know that they would keep the store running while I was away. I know they would be able to save money. 

I also know their limits. I know for all their industry they have only the capacity to keep the store standing. They do not have the wits and intellect to make it grow. As sadly expected, I arrived to see the daily incomes as they should be, but the store was painfully half-empty. So day by day until now, I have been slowly restocking. The beauty of the Sari-Sari Store business is that every day is always back to zero plus one and plus one. It grows, but bit by painful bit. 

Photos of my beloved store

I'm running out of molars. Three weeks ago, I had a lower tooth extracted. It was long dead, a root-canal treated tooth, and covered with a crown. But for years the inner part of the dead tooth brittled and shrank, and the crown had nothing more to hold on to. The more expensive course of action was to screw in a new hold for the crown. But ahh, the poor life. Only extraction was the option for me. And while I was in Manila, munching away the food I had not savored in years, another tooth grew weak and cracked. This time I had another upper molar that needed extracting. 

My dentist shared two pieces of knowledge: first, that a wound rejects foreign objects and food residues as it is healing. Every night I used to pick the residue collected in the dent of my wounded gum with an earbud. I was afraid the wound would close with food in it. The dentist told me it was not so needed. That simply brushing would do. Second, the gums of the lower gums are more elastic than the upper gums and therefore take more time to heal. It takes three weeks for the lower gum to heal and only up to one week for the upper gum wound. 

And that is why I was feeling weak, I think. Because I have not gone to the gym or exercised for a month. I have a lot to explain to my coach. 

I have been journaling every spare minute I have. My Hajj Chronicles is taking some time because I simply did not journal during my pilgrimage, even if I had time. I simply did not have the peace of mind to even write anything. The challenge now is remembering and writing down the events.

I’m also watching shows again, especially the ones the came out this year. When news broke that Agatha All Along was "the gayest Marvel show," there was no argument; I needed to watch it. Kathryn Hahn herself, playing Agatha, said the show could stand on its own, but Reddit said otherwise. So I took the advice of the Redditors and watched Doctor Strange Multiverse of Madness and WandaVision first before delving in. So far there are four episodes released, and it really is gaayyyuh. Latin, Black, Asian, White, Woman, Gay representation. There's Patti Lupone. There's singing. It's camp. There’s abrupt change in cinematography. There is dry comedy. Truly queer in essence. It's been a long time since I watched a show catered to me. 

I finished watching Attack on Titan, finally. One TikTok commented that it is the defining anime of the decade. Truly is. It was a pleasant surprise that it first aired in 2013. I was twenty-five then. A straight classmate of mine who had no love for anime gave it a shot and fell deeply in love with it. He was deeply involved, simply for the battle scenes and the politics. He wasn't the only one. Attack on Titan dominated the screen so much it reached the west.

I wonder if he saw the last episodes. A lot of people lost interest when they became adults and had to face life. The way Attack on Titan was promoted made them think that we would wait for them. We moved on, until this week, when I rewatched it only out of curiosity. The ending was unexpected, realistic, and pessimistic; it became a true breath of fresh air. But what does it tell us that the most defining anime of an entire decade is one of wars, death, betrayal, and sinister, loathsome politics? There was no end to the war, no peaceful agreement. Only continued peace talks and death and the expectation of more wars to come. How like life. How like right now. 

I'm almost sure it is what is happening in Gaza; Palestine right now will take a backseat considering that Lebanon has entered the scene. And now Iran. These are, of course, what's been happening for decades. But the media's main fault is only focusing on the present. Now, apart from the wars, the catastrophic storms have devastated the U.S.A. Their election is becoming ever more fierce. Gaza will take a backseat for now. And re-emerge. We must never forget. But it gets damaging to the soul every time. 

Kindly watch this TikTok about how the hurricanes directly relate with the ongoing wars. Gotta love the queer reporting~

@nikitadumptruckwhy war and weap0ns will always get more money explained

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I watched something on TikTok that helped ease the pain a bit. TikTok has become my main outlet for everything recently, and in one psychology clip, a person said that we must be ever aware that the battles and bloodshed we watch on social media aren't typical social media content. Whenever we see a protest or a segment of war, the atrocities of evil nations, we must fortify our souls and selves. We no longer have the role of passive watcher; we become witnesses. We account for the crimes and slaughter, try to help by donations, and we go on about our day. But we continue with our day keener and more knowledgeable. Let’s not stop learning!

@hudaDon’t stop posting. Don’t stop learning!

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@savoirflairIn a powerful moment during her Tiny Desk concert, #Kehlani takes a stand for oppressed peoples worldwide, urging support and solidarity. She emphasizes the importance of standing together, because, in her words, 'we all we got.' #nprtinydeskconcert #nprtinydesk #kehlanitinydesk

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As a trudge on, life came knocking this week in the form of fluff and meow. A new friend has come to the party. While I was in Manila, mother decided to have all the stray cats removed in her dormitory. They forgot a kitten that we heard frantically meowing one day stuck inside the roof of one of the rooms. One of the renters was able to cage it. I took it to the store and have been caring for her since.

I named her secretly. Danny. In this part of the world, naming a cat is gay. She, like every cat that has come and gone since I first managed the store, to these straight people, will forever be called "miming." She's a quiet cat, with a fat belly—full of worms, I'm guessing—and covered in fleas. She's very jumpy and only approaches when there's food present. Otherwise, she'll hide under the tables or the pile of junk at the back of the store. I'm hoping she'll love me, as I instantly fell in love with her. But cats reciprocate feelings at their own pace. I must be patient. I'm joyful that she entered my life.

The city is feeling joy as well. It's currently celebrating its yearly city fiesta. We don't partake in it, of course, as any good conservative Muslim family won't. But next year, I might just take some photographs, simply to say I'm part of this town. But something's happening that I haven't noticed in past festivals: whenever there is a major event, the city cuts off the reception. We've been having on-again-off-again reception for close to two weeks! Such a distraction from writing!

But that's enough for now. Here’s a 3 minute and 11 second video of Danny eating.

Thank you for reading.